Sometimes when we hurt, when we grieve, when the pain or the pressure feels overwhelming, it can be tempting to get caught up in self. It can be tempting to complain or succumb to self-pity. When we belong to Christ, our lives are not our own (which is a good thing- we tend to mess up a lot!) Our lives are not actually about us, but rather, about serving God and others.

This does not mean you do not matter. The same God that formed our universe created you in His image, fearfully (with care) and wonderfully he made you, you are His beloved, Jesus laid down his life and conquered death for you (Genesis 1:27, Psalm139: 14, Romans 5:8-9). You are His masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10).

Jesus even commands us to, “Love your neighbor as yourself,” (Matthew 22:37-39); this indicates that we are indeed to love ourselves. We are of course, important; but let’s keep a balanced perspective on that.

We should honor God by caring for ourselves, which can be especially difficult, yet increasingly significant, in times of trauma and grief. There are many things God has called us to be good stewards of such as the Earth He has entrusted to us, the family he has graced us with, and the life He chose to breathe into us. Part of that life is the physical body he has loaned to us.

Caring for Your Physical Needs

During the stormy seasons of life, it can be tempting to binge on junk food, tv, or to hide in the bed. But it is crucial to continue to take care of personal hygiene, nutrition, exercise, and rest as much as possible.  For some of you, that list of things may already appear overwhelming and unachievable: especially if you are also responsible for the care of others (like your children, elderly parents, or a family member with a disability). If due to what you are facing, that list seems unattainable; please make it your goal to at least brush your teeth and shower every day. Please reach out for assistance in the other areas! We are not made to walk alone. We were made for fellowship (John 13:34, 1 John 1:3). And that includes allowing others to help us and bless us when we are in need. Friend, do not allow fear or pride to stand in your way of receiving help.

Accepting Help

When I was in college, I found myself in a situation where I desperately needed financial help. A friend found out and offered to meet that need but I was hesitant to take it. My little brother then spoke wisdom to me I will never forget, “Ya know, much of Jesus’ ministry was allowing others to bless Him. His followers worked to support His ministry and they often received blessings from others, as well as supernatural miracles from God.” My mind was blown, and I realized; sometimes when we stop others from blessing us, whether due to fear, pride, or feeling like a burden (which is a lie from the enemy); we block them from the blessing of being the giver. It is more blessed to give than to receive (Acts 20:35). Sometimes we need set aside our reservations and receive what God wants to provide for us through others. It will bless them as much, or perhaps even more, than it blesses you.

After losing our son we had many church members bring us meals. Our church always does a meal train when there is a birth, a loss, or any time someone experiences a major event like being hospitalized. This is always very helpful as it is one less thing you have to deal with and one less decision you have to make. It is a blessing to be on the giving end as well as the receiving end of these meals.

However, a group of ladies from church also came and cleaned our home. I felt a little awkward on this one. But the truth was, I physically couldn’t do it due to the amount of physical pain I was still in from a rushed emergency c section that followed a complicated labor. I imagine my family was also already exhausted from grief as well as taking on the responsibilities that I was unable to complete. So ultimately, I let my household and my church family wash my feet. I wasn’t in a position to refuse help. And while I believe God blessed them for their service, I also believe He broke down some layers of pride I didn’t even realize I had.

The Need for Nutrition

To honor God with our body also requires nourishing our bodies with healthy food, especially in seasons of grief when we are tempted to eat anything or sometimes nothing at all. Eating those fruits, veggies, and proteins can help give you energy, assist in keeping normal sleep and digestive cycles, and strengthen your immune system. No one wants to be heart sick or body sick, especially at the same time. Eating poorly consistently can make you feel worse and can further complicate your problems if a layer of health problems is added. You can indulge in that comfort food at times, but don’t let it turn into a gluttonous habit. Comfort via food is a temporary relief not a permanent solution, and it can often add to existing issues.

The Need for Physical Activity

Also, remember that physical activity gets those endorphins going. Essentially, endorphins are chemicals released in the brain which can help reduce stress and improve mood. Basically, endorphins help you feel better; happier. God created quite a complex and interesting body for us!

Whatever your ability level is, start where you are, and do what you can. After my emergency c section my exercise consisted of walking from our room to the deck. As I got stronger, I would pace the deck and then eventually go on longer walks. I believe the vitamin D from the sunlight helped my recovery as well. Although I didn’t feel like going out in the sun, I submitted to my husband’s wise request to sit outside with him, and it was for my own good.

 If you know nothing about safe exercise, just try walking and simple stretches first. I am not a doctor, physical therapist, or in any position to give medical advice, so if you have serious health concerns be sure to first talk to your doctor about how you can safely exercise.

Importance of Balancing Rest

Some of us have a tendency to hide in our work or purposely stay busy in valley seasons. Sometimes that’s easier than having time to actually process what happened. But the longer you procrastinate facing your emotions, the more work you may face in healing later. However, if it has been a long time since the pain you suffered and you are just now working toward coping with it, I want to encourage you that it is it never too late to begin healing, and often that process is lifelong- Christ is with you wherever you are in that process.

Taking time to rest your body, mind, and spirit is important for healing. But please consider the role rest plays in your immune system and mental health. Our bodies heal and restore through sleep, and grief and trauma are stressful experiences for our bodies.

Sometimes we need to think about it. Sometimes we need to talk about it. Sometimes we need a quiet moment just to cry or allow ourselves to feel all the feelings- then pray about those feelings and allow the Healer to comfort you. Remember, whatever you're feeling does not equate to a license to sin.

Reading a book with your feet up may be relaxing to some while others may prefer to watch a sermon or listen to music. Crafting or garage tinkering might feel like a nice change of pace for you. The Zoo happens to be my happy place.

Though there are different kinds of rest; sometimes we simply need to sleep. If you having difficulty sleeping or possibly suffering from insomnia, be sure to talk to a doctor. If you are like me, and you don't like to take medicine unless absolutely necessary, they may be able to help you find a homeopathic solution. Work and rest are both important and can both help us through storms, but like most of life, balance is key.

Baby Steps

If physical activity, a balanced diet, and rest are not already a part of your regular habits, take baby steps. Pick one thing a week, or every two weeks, or a month to work on. Remember that we are not to "despise" small beginnings as the Lord rejoices in our first steps (Zechariah 4:10). For example: you could take a 10 or 15 minute walk every day, add one veggie to your meals, or go to bed 15 minutes earlier (or a establish a goal bedtime), Pray on it and keep trying. God will see your efforts.

Personally, I love to go jogging (yes, I know that sounds crazy). I typically jog 3-5 miles at a time, several times a week. I train with light to medium free weights in between jogs. This routine varies in different seasons but in general that is what I shoot for. I started playing soccer in middle school and have exercised regularly ever since (except for in seasons when I physically couldn’t like during a high-risk pregnancy and post partem). I often (not always) log my water and macro intake to keep me on track. You would probably not assume any of these things by looking at me. But I know God sees my efforts and He will see yours too, no matter how small you start. While man sees your outward appearance, God sees your heart (1 Samuel 16:7).

The jogging, weights, logging etc. all of that has ebbed and flowed as life has changed; in valley seasons and mountain top experiences. You may not be able to do it all today; there have certainly been times when I couldn't. But maybe you could do something; even if it is just setting the goal for tomorrow.

Though at times I become frustrated because I don't meet my own arbitrary size goals, I must keep in mind that my pursuit of health is for the purpose of honoring and giving thanks to God and I must be careful not to put my health, or appearance, above God. We are not called to resemble Hollywood; we are called to resemble Christ. We are called to be good stewards, including caring for our physical body.

 Love the body God has gifted you as a temple of the Holy Spirit; being especially careful in valley seasons to keep your body clean, active, rested, and nourished. Not doing so may further complicate your grief.

But please brothers and sisters, do not idolize the body God has loaned you. Do not put your love for your body before your love for God or others. Do not allow it to be what you depend on for your joy. Anything can happen to our physical bodies; they change all the time, and they are not indestructible on this side of Heaven. But Jesus has promised to never leave you, and He never changes. He is where we must choose to place our joy every day.

Caring for Your Mental Health

We should also honor God by caring for our mental health. Do you struggle with fear, anxiety, depression, addiction, or suicidal thoughts? Please seek help. If you don’t know where to start, I suggest talking to your doctor and turning to a trusted brother or sister in Christ to help get you connected with resources. They may not know the answer, but they might know someone else who does. If you don’t know who to ask here are some numbers you can call that can get you connected with resources as well:

  • You can reach the 24 hour National Suicide and Crisis Hotline by dialing 988
  • Veterans can dial 988 and then press 1
  • You can reach out to KLOVE's prayer and pastoral care line by dialing (800) 525-5683.

Though the numbers listed are free, some mental health services can seem unaffordable, and in many cases they are unaffordable. After the loss of our son, the hospital gave us contact information for a counseling group dedicated to infant loss. When I called, I was told services were more than a hundred dollars per hour and they suggested coming in every week or every other week. That was not in the budget, especially since we had no idea what kind of expenses we would be facing in the coming months considering we birthed and buried a child all at once. If I remember correctly, they were able to reduce the cost to around eighty dollars per session; most mental health facilities do operate on a sliding scale which means they might be able to work within your budget. In our case, that was still not practical for us at the time.

However, our church had a grief group, guided by trained, volunteer mental health coaches that we were able to join for free. This was not specific to infant loss, but it was still helpful. Later I found out from another mom at our homeschool coop, about a group at another local church specifically for infant loss, stillbirth, and miscarriage. This group meeting is also free! When I was a teenager and we lost my big brother to suicide, Hospice offered several free programs which helped my family greatly.

There are resources out there and help available to meet your needs and your budget. You might have to do a little digging and a lot of praying. If it is challenging to get resources due to your location or lack of transportation, there are now support groups that meet online, and many therapists are willing to participate in online sessions as well. (Please do your research before trusting anyone online!) Recruit help in the process, you do not have to do this alone. Please don’t give up, please don’t stop asking others for help.

The Power of Church Family

 If you do not belong to a church family, I encourage you to look for one. As members of the body of Christ we need each other. If you physically can’t get to church, many services are now live streamed, and you can watch online if you have internet access. There is usually a way to connect with the Pastors via phone call or internet as well.

It may be possible for transportation to be provided for you or perhaps for some members to come visit you where you are.  If you do not have internet or reliable internet you can still try calling different Churches in your area for the help and fellowship you might be needing. Most pastors and church members will be happy to find ways to get you connected with the church and with the resources you need.

To care for one another is part of our job as Christians. You are not a burden. You are precious to God. He will guide you in getting what you need on your journey to healing.

Caring For Your Spirit

We should also honor God by caring for our spirit. Whatever you’re walking through this season, what does God have to say about it? Get in His word! One of our Pastors often encourages us, that when we were going through something, we should become the biblical experts on the issue coming out of it. Find out all God has to say on what you’re going through, and you will come out of that fire refined, at peace, and battle ready when you prioritize studying scripture.

 Schedule time to sit with the Healer in prayer, to read scripture, to meet with other followers of Christ when you can. Is there a bible study or life group you can attend this season? I also encourage young people to make friends that are older than you in the congregation.

The Power of Fellowship

My husband and I bought our first house in a town unfamiliar to us. My husband’s friend at work invited us to his church and we began attending regularly. I was used to having a close-knit group of friends back home and I really longed for a sisterhood. I prayed for friends and God delivered with the women in that congregation!

After some time, I realized the friends God had brought me to were all between ten to thirty years older than me! These women have discipled me, they have guided me and encouraged me. They have taught me how to be a godly wife and mother. They have lovingly corrected me when I’ve been wrong. They hold me accountable. They shoulder me when I cry, they pray for me, and cheer me on in every godly pursuit.

I encourage you to be open to appropriate relationships with those who are older and wiser than you. By “appropriate” I mean female friends confiding in female friends, male friends confiding in male friends, and married couples confiding in other married couples (as long as it is never one husband meeting with the other’s wife privately- do not give the enemy a foothold). These are the people that will help you grow.

It is only recently that God has started bringing friends to me that are in the same season of life as me. Both opportunities for fellowship have value, both can encourage and edify the spirit when each person is earnestly seeking the kingdom of God first. These people and these relationships will not be perfect. Neither are you.

Let’s remember to give others the same grace God gives us. We were not created to be alone nor were we created to worship alone (Hebrews 10:24-25). Please do not discredit the value of fellowship and corporate worship in your lifelong pursuit of spiritual health and maturity. I cannot stress enough the need for believers to become regularly involved with a local church.

The Real Purpose of Self Care is Selfless

Dear brothers and sisters; care for your body, care for your mind, and care for your spirit. But keep in mind why you are doing so- it is all to the glory of God! When we allow Holy Spirit to guide us in caring for each part of ourselves there is a better-quality self to offer to others. Just remember to keep it in balance..

In general:

How is most of your time spent?

How is the majority of your money spent?  

Where does most of your energy go?

If the answer to any of these is “me,” then it’s time to reprioritize.

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. - Matthew 6:19-21

Valley seasons may look a little different, you may not be able to pour into others, commit to time serving, or certain financial gifts, the way you normally do- allow Holy Sprit to guide you in this. Spending more time at the feet of Jesus may mean less time doing other things. Seek wisdom from the Lord as to what this season should look like. But remember Believers: all that we do is for the glory of God, and we can glorify Him in the storms and valleys. We can use what we learn in these seasons, and the strength we have gained, to love, encourage, and strengthen each other.