“…Whatever you choose, I will bless it.”
These were the words God spoke to me through a prophecy the day before I was scheduled to be induced; something I really didn’t want to do. I also did not like the idea of another C Section or waiting much longer. Every option carried risks that scared me. Baby boy was five days late with no progression, or even signs of labor whatsoever, which was also concerning for various reasons.
That Sunday I think I cried the entire worship service and maybe through the message, too. My sisters in Christ could feel (and see) my distress even though they didn’t know the details. One by one friends made their way to pray over me quietly. At the end of service, I went up for prayer at altar call. I explained to my prayer partner that I felt I had no good options and my husband and I were really lost on how to decide what to do because we hadn't received a specific answer from the Lord. Then she spoke those sweet, precious words, “I hear the Lord saying: ‘Whatever you choose, I will bless it.’” The fear immediately fell away. ‘I can’t mess this up,’ I thought, ‘God is in control.’
And that was true that day, just likes it is true today, just like it will be true tomorrow- God is in control. The outcome was outside of my own control. We had taken every precaution, considered every medical option and opinion, we had prayed continuously, and we had done all we knew to do physically and spiritually. So now it was time to simply trust God. If He said He would bless it, I knew He would.
What is Blessed?
The idea of “blessings” or to be “blessed,” goes beyond just getting what we want or expect. It goes deeper than just a surface level temporary happy feeling. In my last post, “Blessed in the Trials, Highly Favored in the Tribulations,” I talked a lot about the refining process and how we are blessed in it and through it. But what does this term we use so frequently actually mean? The word has several definitions, which do include positive feelings of happiness and contentment; but the meaning of “blessed” I want to focus on is defined in the Oxford English Dictionary as, “made holy; consecrated.” Zondervan’s Bible Dictionary describes “bless” as: being set apart for sacred use.
Being blessed doesn’t necessarily equate to riches, a big house, a big family, good fortune, or even good health. In this realization I am reminded of my Aunt Elaine. She was the sweetest soul. She loved babies so much and she was so proud of the fact that she got to hold me first that she never missed an opportunity to remind everyone. She even got me a pillow for my wedding that said, “I held you first.”
Aunt Elaine's Trials and Faith
My Aunt was always smiling. I don’t think I remember ever seeing her in a bad mood (though I am sure she experienced bad moods) and I don’t think I ever heard her complain. She loved Jesus. She loved her life and lived it to the full, but she did not fear death- I don’t believe she feared death at all. She knew that in this life, Christ was with her and that in the afterlife she would be with Christ. No matter what happened she clung to her relationship with Christ and her eternal life promised in Him. “To live is Christ, to die is gain.” (Philippians 1:21)
Aunt Elaine’s life was also full of pain. She dealt with various illnesses and physical ailments all her life. She received bad report after bad report concerning her health. She endured painful losses and painful seasons like the rest of us. She didn’t live in a mansion. She wasn’t wealthy but she was generous. She and her husband had two children she absolutely adored. She was content with whatever God gave her and she was content when she prayed for healing, and the answer was “wait.” God did not choose to heal her physically on this side of Heaven; yet she smiled. Because, just as encouraged in 2 Corinthians 12:9; God's grace is truly sufficient.
My Aunt's joy and her zeal for life and the Lord, touched the lives of so many. The love of Christ radiated from her, and people were drawn to it. She lived a life of service to others. Not by making any grand gestures that made headlines, but by being there for others in times of despair. She took care of her family, she visited and cared for the sick, she interceded in prayer for I don’t know how many people: but I know I was one of them. If you looked at my dear Aunt Elaine, who only had one eye and deteriorating health you probably wouldn’t have thought, ‘what a blessed woman!’
But how very blessed she was indeed! She was holy, consecrated to the Lord; set apart for sacred purpose, and she lived like it. No, she did not live a perfect life, but she did submit her life to Lord Jesus. And because of her humility, God worked through her, over and over to reach the lost and minister to the hurting. The way she lived out her faith changed lives, including my own, which is exactly what Followers of Christ are called to do.
Blessings Include, but are Not Limited to, Gifts and Answered Prayer
So, truthfully, when I considered that God was going to bless me in however I chose to birth our second child, I didn’t study out word meanings or seek deeper understanding. I thought about having our beautiful baby boy in my arms within the next day or two. I dreamt about how our daughter was going to be the best big sister and how happy we would be to introduce them. I was concerned with our happiness, and in that moment, I think that was ok- I think that was human and normal.
Happiness is not a bad thing. I do not mean to imply that it is or that God does not bless us in material or temporal ways as well. There is nothing wrong with asking God for material things or other things we need. Philippians 4:6-7 encourages us to worry about nothing and to pray about everything. In Matthew 6:25-34, Jesus illustrates our significance to God and how He will bless us with everything things we need; when we seek first His kingdom.
Brothers and sisters, rejoice and be thankful when He blesses us by meeting the need, increasing finances, granting healing, providing that job or that home, or that child that you have prayed for fervently! Rejoice and praise Him for the gifts. He is a good father that enjoys blessing his children with good gifts (Mathhew 7:9-11). But when the answer is "no," "wait," or you find yourself in situations you don't understand and don’t want - praise Him then too. Trust that He is still blessing you even when you can’t see it or feel it. Trust that He will use all things for your good (Romans 8:28). I encourage you to trust Him in the valley; praise Him through the storm.
His Ways are Higher
The happiness I was dreaming of did not become our reality. Chorioamnionitis; that is what the coroner declared our precious son’s cause of death. An infection in the mother that is usually diagnosed and treated quickly with antibiotics- went undetected in me.
We wholeheartedly believed that God could revive our son and prayed for it to be so. But that was not the will of the Father. We left the hospital a couple of days later empty handed with heavy hearts. Even as I had held our breathless baby for the last time, I thought about what God had spoken, “Whatever you choose, I will bless it.”
In that moment I didn’t understand it, but I believed with everything in me, that God would bless it. That this tragedy had to mean something; that my son, Keanu’s life, was not wasted. I knew we had a difficult road following this, but I also knew that God’s words, His promises, do not return void (Isaiah 55:10-11). Although, I did not feel blessed in that moment, and despite the formerly unimaginable grief, I knew that my feelings did not dictate the truth.
Since we lost our son Keanu, I have witnessed the blessings of his short little life every day. Through this valley I have grown closer to God than I knew possible. I have grown closer to my husband and love and respect him more now than I think I ever have. In the midst of his own pain, his concern was for me, and he chose to serve me in many less than glamorous ways. We learned how to communicate better and how to allow space for the different ways we needed to grieve.
I also became closer to our precious daughter who I have also seen grow through her grief. Holy spirit has graced me with the right words at the right time to minister to her. Grieving with a grieving child is a unique experience that is still teaching me to rely fully on God moment by moment.
I remember the months after losing our son, strangers in public politely asking how I was doing, completely unaware of what I was going through. People would compliment our beautiful daughter and ask how many children I have. In those moments I wanted to scream. I didn't- but I wanted to. But since then, I have obtained a greater capacity for patience with others. Now I am more aware that I may have no clue regarding the depths of pain someone else may be walking through, which makes it less of a challenge to extend grace and to quickly forgive unpleasant attitudes and actions.
My post partem recovery was also difficult and physically restricting. Through that experience I developed a greater empathy for those with physical disabilities and now have better knowledge of how to offer assistance to someone with physical challenges.
And so much has my appreciation, love, and patience grown for my family and my blessed role as wife and mother.
Continued Blessings
I am blessed, our family has been blessed, through the hand of God in our son’s brief debut on Earth. By submitting to Christ our lives have been blessed, our family has been set apart for sacred purposes.
We believe that God is not done with Keanu’s story either. We believe we will see God use this story and our faith to draw prodigals back home, to inspire others, to minister to, heal and restore more weary souls. We believe our story, Keanu’s story, is blessed because God has and will continue to use it for our good, the good of others, and ultimately to glorify Him. We also hope our experience with Keanu, along with our other babies in Heaven, will change heart attitudes towards preborn babies and the sanctity of human life. You can read more about or walk with infant loss and miscarriage in the about section.
Losing our son is not what we wanted. If we are being honest, we still don’t want it. We want Keanu, we want all of our children, here with us.; growing like weeds, laughing, running, and eating constantly like their sister. But we trust that whatever God is doing is better than what we want. We trust that God’s ways are higher than ours (Isaiah 55:8-9) and we trust, though we can't begin to fully comprehend it, that God loves our children even more than we do.
Our traumas and scars are a part of our stories, and though important; they do not define us. Our identity is in Christ alone. However, God can move in these experiences, he can turn them around, and He can use them to bless us and others, setting us apart for sacred purposes.
What part of your story can you surrender to God for His sacred purposes? What part of your story can be used to bless you, your family, and others? I encourage you not to avoid or hide the painful parts of your story, but to lay them at the feet of Jesus, where restoration, healing, and abundant blessing can be found.
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A couple of months after we lost Keanu, we also lost sweet Aunt Elaine. In the following year and half, we lost 2 babies in the womb. Sometimes I imagine what being reunited with our loved ones in Heaven will look like. This is just my imagination, but I like to picture Aunt Elaine rocking my babies, giddily waiting to announce to me, “I got to hold them first!”